questions

Everyday I am getting older gradually,I have been spending my life for any purpose.ı am asking to myself that do I have any dream? Or something that is worthy to life for.Someone shows me some goals.only then,ı start to try achieve it.If nobody shows me any goal,ı try to find some temporary small basic things to live for.I am waiting for something ı don t know what it is but ı waiting..I feel tired and bored of everything.I do not consider life as very important or necessary.I do not have the sense of belonging to anything.I do not have a specific passion or a subject to improve myself through ıt.I am comparing myself to others to feel myself beter and to see there is nothing wrong about me.but there is,many people have some specific passions or hobbies but ı do not.I am trying to ımagine myself when I am 70s.In a white cool house with a small garden in ayvalık.time is towards end of september.fall is coming.most probably I will be alone,because,ı am always forcede to live in grief.so I have to feel that pain also.what ı mean is that my life friend will die earlier than me most probably. Anyway,ı ask to myself that am I going to be sorry for my this indifferency to life..I am asking to myself what will ı take beside me after ı die? What will ı need after I die.When ı get older what will make me happy? There are only questions but there is no answers..ı guess ı should not be asking.just obey the rules keep living monotonious life,otherwise ı may drive myself crazy